


After the nightmare, regrets

by NoMoreBeer4U



Series: After the nightmare series [14]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s08e10 Endgame, Established Relationship, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:09:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25913386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMoreBeer4U/pseuds/NoMoreBeer4U
Summary: Both Jack and Daniel aren't coping well with the result of the last mission.
Relationships: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Series: After the nightmare series [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704055
Kudos: 11





	After the nightmare, regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The usual. I don't own them, I just play with them, yadda yadda yadda.

_In retrospect, maybe you should have destroyed the ship when you had the chance._

The memory of Daniel’s words pierced Jack’s skull while they rode in the elevator to the surface.

“Look, Daniel, I'd like to be alone tonight, if you don’t mind,” he stated, his eyes stuck to the floor.

Daniel looked at his lover and studied him for a while. They had barely shared a word after they had reinstalled the stargate in the gateroom. He knew the General wasn’t comfortable with the result of the last mission. He himself was consumed with guilt. Although involuntarily, he had contributed to the death of millions of jaffa.

It all had started one month ago, when the rogue ex-members of the NID, now known as The trust, had kidnapped him to make a translation from Ancient to Goa’uld. Such translation turned out to be the command codes to control the ship Osiris had left abandoned around Earth’s orbit. Once in control of the alkesh, and the previous robbery of the Stargate, The trust had used the ship as a launch platform for several rockets loaded with anti-goa’uld poison. The result had been million of dead Jaffa all around the galaxy. The fact that Daniel didn’t know the purpose of The trust when he did the translation didn’t make it any easier. The truth was that he had contributed to the Jaffa’s extermination, and the guilt and regret were consuming him from the inside.

As for Jack, he had allowed the survivor member of The trust to escape with the ship. With that action, he had saved Daniel, Sam, and Teal’c of certain death, but had condemned thousands of Jaffa more, as The trust still had in their possession poison enough to wipe out six more Goa’uld planets.

These thoughts, mixed with the movement of the elevator, made Daniel’s stomach roll. Yes, maybe it would be better that way. Right now, he only wished to curl up into a ball under the sheets and forget about the world.

“Ok,” the archaeologist replied just at the time the elevator reached the last level. He wanted to add something else, but for once he was lack of words. He needed to digest the recent events. Jack was right. He also felt the need to be alone.

“See you tomorrow,” Daniel said just at the moment the doors slid open. He rushed towards the checking point without giving Jack time to reply.

***

Half an hour later, both men arrived at their respective homes.

Jack grabbed a beer, climbed to the deck, and sat on the floor, next to his telescope.

Daniel made a coffee, went out to his balcony, and also sat on the floor.

In the privacy of their homes, both men drank their drinks while trying to stop the rush of thoughts invading their minds. Both men failed. Both men looked at the sky at the same time and saw the same falling star. They made their wish.

“I wish it all had been a dream,” Daniel whispered. Then he drew the knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and cried for the dead Jaffa.

“I wish I hadn’t accepted the promotion,” Jack whispered,” and sighed for all the tough decisions that he had had to make since he was in charge of the SGC. Today he had chosen to save Daniel, even knowing the risk to leave a fully functional goa’uld alkesh in the hands of The trust. He pressed the cold bottle of beer against his forehead. Nope. It didn’t help to clear his mind either. Maybe a bit of stargazing with the telescope would do the trick. It didn’t. He opened his third beer, and as he swallowed a large gulp, he made a decision. Now he knew what he had to do.

A few miles away, Daniel crawled to his bed and curled up into a ball. His imagination rewarded him with fully technicolor pictures of dead Jaffa sprawled all over the galaxy. He didn’t have tears left, but still, his mind wandered from the sadness for so many lost lives to the anger towards the perpetrators, and the guilt for his participation in the mess. It was going to be a long night.

***

**The next day**

Daniel came into Jack’s house and instantly heard his lover messing around the kitchen. He missed him last night. He suspected something was bugging the older man beyond the mission and he had the intention to make him spill. Jack had always been there for him when he had been hurting. Well, now both of them were hurting. Having each other, they wouldn’t have to go through this alone, wouldn’t they? Although he didn’t say anything, he had to admit to himself that deep inside, it hurt when Jack had told him to go to his apartment for the night. The days of pushing each other away were supposed to be gone. He found his lover in front of the sink, doing the dishes.

“Hey,” Daniel said softly.

Jack didn’t turn around. He turned off the faucet but kept his hands on the sink.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said tiredly.

“About?” Daniel asked tentatively.

“I can’t do this anymore,” the General sighed.

“Jack?” Daniel’s voice wavered.

“This…” Jack scrubbed a hand through his hair in frustration but still he didn’t turn around, “is just… too much, I can’t hold it anymore. I never should have…”

All color drained from Daniel’s face. Was Jack saying what he thought he was saying? After all those years, after all the promises, was like this how it ended? Daniel felt as if he had been punched in the gut. His stomach dropped and his legs began to shake. He grabbed the door frame to steady himself.

“Why?” This was the only thing he managed to ask even though he was out of breath.

Jack turned around. Wrinkles of pain sculpted his face. All brightness had disappeared from his eyes.

“I didn’t know it would be so hard, but it is, and it hurts. Sometimes I just can’t breathe, and I have to pretend that everything is ok, and I can’t, I just can’t… I’m not that strong.” His face was the picture of defeat. “I need some air,” he said in a rush, and he ran out of the kitchen. When he passed next to Daniel, he stopped for a second, cupped the archaeologist’s jaw with his hand, and kissed him in the forehead. “We'll talk later, ok?” And without waiting for an answer, he grabbed his keys and left the house.

Daniel stared open-mouthed stunned at the closed door. His whole body was tingling. The ache in his gut increased, and he wrapped his arms around his midsection. He began to breathe in short gasps, the air not completely filling his lungs. What had just happened? Jack had left. That’s what just happened. Jack had left HIM. No arguments. Just…

_I can’t do this anymore…_

_I never should have…_

_I just can’t…_

Daniel’s mind replayed Jack’s words over and over again. As he realized the implication of the statements, a thick mantle of pain and sadness engulfed him. The ache in his gut turned into an icy shadow that spread towards his heart and he felt it cracking into a million pieces. What made his life, all the suffering, all the fight worth living, was gone. How was he going to go on without Jack at his side? All his dreams, his hopes, shattered in an instant.

A familiar overwhelming feeling of abandonment hit him in full force. He was trapped in some sort of pattern. Sooner or later, everyone he loved or cared about abandoned him. His parents, his grandfather, Sha’re, Janet… and now Jack. He felt sick. He launched to the kitchen sink and he threw up. When there wasn’t anything left in his stomach, he turned on the faucet to clean the mess. Clutching his painful abdomen, he slipped along the furniture until he hit the ground. He didn’t think he had any tears left after last night, but he felt that his cheeks were damp. He hadn’t even realized he was crying. When had he started?

He couldn’t erase the image of Jack’s dull eyes from his mind. Suddenly, the pain faded and was substituted by a deep numbness. He couldn’t feel anything, as if he was dead. Yes, dead inside. Slowly, he stood up and staggered towards Jack’s bedroom. Moving like an automat, he opened the cupboard and took a big sports bag. With shaking hands, he began to fill it with his clothes. As he usually spent the nights there, he had a considerable amount of clothes and underwear. Then we went to the bathroom and took his toiletries.

Heartbroken, he hung the bag on his shoulder, gave a last glance to the bedroom, went to the front door, and left the house.

***

**_An hour later_ **

Jack opened the front door and stepped into the house.

“Daniel?” he called his lover. He hadn’t been fair to him, just leaving the house without a clear explanation. The walk had helped him to put his thoughts together. He felt ready to share his doubts and fears with the man he considered his husband.

“Daniel! Baby!” No answer.

He searched for his lover in every corner of the main floor but to no avail. Finally, he went to check the bedroom. When he opened the door, his heart stopped cold. The cupboard and the chest of drawers were half-open. Daniel’s clothes were gone. Jack’s blood turned into ice in his veins. He suddenly realized he hadn’t seen his lover’s car parked outside. Daniel had left. Not just that. Daniel had left HIM. No, no, no. That couldn’t be possible. They were good. They hadn’t had any fight lately. What if…? Maybe Daniel couldn’t forgive him for his decision about the alkesh?

_In retrospect, maybe you should have destroyed the ship when you had the chance._

Was Daniel blaming him for the fate that thousands of Jaffa were likely going to suffer? That wouldn’t be new. He was blaming himself. He was also sure that Daniel was feeling guilty for his involuntary participation in the operation. But still, it wasn’t Daniel’s style. He wouldn’t just leave without any explanation.

Jack rushed to the living room and grabbed the phone. He dialed Daniel but only got the answering machine.

“Crap!” he exclaimed in frustration. He grabbed his keys and ran outside.

***

Twenty minutes later, Jack was at Daniel’s front door. His heart was pounding hard. He used his key, and without hesitation came into the house. He found his lover sitting on the couch. He was pale as a sheet, his arms wrapped around his torso. He was staring at a full mug of coffee that lay abandoned on the coffee table. There wasn't smoke coming out of the mug, so Daniel had probably been in that state for a while. He didn’t even notice that Jack was there. He seemed to be in some sort of trance. Jack stood in front of him with his hands resting firmly on his hips.

“Care to explain?” he asked a bit harshly.

Daniel startled at the sudden intrusion and looked at the older man in surprise. He blinked several times as if expecting that Jack would disappear at any moment.

“Jack? Wha… what are you doing here?” He sounded absolutely confused.

“What do you think? I come back home and I realize that not only you’re gone, but you have also taken your clothes. What is this all about? Did you leave me? Like this? No explanations?” Jack didn’t want to sound angry, but his own confusion was taking the best of him.

“I left you? That’s rich! Why are you here, to rub salt into the wound?” Daniel stood up and staggered backward.

“What are you talking about?” Jack’s confusion increased tenfold.

“Is this a joke? Some memory loss? You left ME!” Daniel waved his arms to emphasize his statement.

“What?!” Jack exclaimed in shock. “I did not.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Didn’t.”

“Did.”

“Didn’t.”

“Did.”

“Argh!” Jack yelled with exasperation. “When?! How?! What the hell are you talking about?!”

“I can’t do this anymore… I never should have… I just can’t… Ring a bell?” Daniel dared with a glare.

Jack froze. He suddenly realized how his words sounded without a context. It was then that he saw the swelling in the archaeologist’s eyes and the tracks of dry tears on his face. Daniel had thought he was talking about their relationship. And then, without any explanation, he had left the house. No wonder the younger man had deduced that… oh, God. Without giving Daniel time to react, the older man moved forward and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Danny, no, no, you got it wrong, oh God, I wasn’t talking about us. I love you, I’ll always will, I’m not going to leave you, no, no, I love you, God, I thought you had left me.” The General let out a laugh of relief.

“N-no?” Daniel asked tentatively.

“God, baby, no, of course not!” Jack began to kiss his lover’s neck and jaw.

Daniel pulled him away. “Then what the hell were you talking about?”

“The promotion,” Jack sighed. “I don’t want to be *the man* anymore.

“What?!” Daniel exclaimed in shock. “But… why?”

Jack tenderly cupped his lover’s face and rubbed his cheek with his thumb. “I could have lost you again yesterday. There had always been close calls, but since I'm the General… it's just, too much. I’ve tried it as I promised, but I can’t hold t anymore. I'm done.”

“But Jack, we talked about this before. You’re a great leader. Everyone trusts you. You’re doing a great job.”

“Daniel,” Jack said softly, still stroking his lover’s beautiful face, “I let the bad guys escape with a fully operational goa’uld alkesh.”

“Oh, that.” Daniel looked away.

“Yes, that. Pendergast asked me to give the order to blow up the ship. He knew that was the right course of action. Any manual of strategy says it. Even you said I should have destroyed the ship.”

_In retrospect, maybe you should have destroyed the ship when you had the chance._

“But,” Jack continued,” I just… couldn’t. Not with you inside. I let my heart make the choice, and in battle, when your heart overpowers your head, you’re doomed.” The General sighed.

“But, Jack,” Daniel bright sapphire eyes locked their gaze with warm chocolate ones,” you have always cared for people. Not just me, or Sam or Teal’c. It’s one of the reasons that make you a great leader.”

“I guess that after so many years, so many scares it has got to a point where I care too much.”

“That’s bullshit, Jack,” Daniel insisted. “The idea of caring too much doesn’t even exist.”

“It does in the military, Daniel,” the older man tried to explain.

“Ok, then, what about four years ago? With the Enkaraan and Gadmeer situation? You sent the bomb to the Gadmeer ship even knowing I was there.”

“And it almost killed me inside.” Jack stopped and closed his eyes for a few seconds, trying to erase the painful memory. “I knew that day that I’d never be able to do that again. I can’t command the SGC with my heart, Danny.

Daniel stared at his lover, his eyes sparkling with love and admiration. “You can’t command the SGC without it either. People trust you because of your humanity, Jack. Ok, maybe this time you did the wrong call, strategically speaking, but if you look at the whole picture, your heart is what makes your leadership so strong.”

Jack knew Daniel was only trying to help, but he wasn’t a soldier and never would. There were some times that he just couldn’t understand.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Danny, I really do,” he said softly, “but this is the military. People don’t look at things like you do. It will be an investigation, you know?” Daniel’s eyes wide opened in awe. “About why the leader of the first line of defense on Earth let the enemy escape with a strategic piece of Goa’uld technology.” Jack gently cupped his lover’s face. “And the only reason I can come up with is that you were inside. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure Carter was there, and sure I had no idea Teal’c was there. But I did know that you were.

Daniel frowned in concern. “Then I'll resign,” he said. “If our relationship is a liability, I'll just…”

“No, no Daniel, no,” Jack interrupted him. “I'll not make you pay for my weakness. If someone has to quit, it’s me.”

The archaeologist let go of his lover and began to pace nervously. “Jack, I'm not less compromised than you are.” Daniel wasn’t willing to put all the blame on Jack. He was as guilty as him. ”It was my translation that allowed The trust to operate the alkesh. And I only did it when they threatened Teal’c's friend. By saving her life, I condemned to death millions of Jaffa.” Daniel’s eyes wetted at the thought of so many losses. “Even knowing that the ultimate responsible are those bastards, it’s hard.”

“It isn’t your fault, Danny, it’s theirs.”

“Anyway, I screwed up, and you know it. They know my Achilles' heel. They just have to point a gun to an innocent, and they have me wrapped around their finger.”

“You didn’t know what the translation was for.” Jack tried to sweep away some of his lover’s guilt.

The archaeologist stopped in front of him and placed his hands on his hips. “They were The trust, Jack. It couldn’t be for anything good,” he said.

“I guess we all have our weaknesses, haven’t we?” Jack sighed.

“I guess our biggest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses,” Daniel mimicked the sight in defeat.

“Yeah, I guess. But the truth is, I feel too attached and thousands of jaffa will likely die because of my choice.”

“Millions of Jaffa are already dead because of mine.” Daniel’s voice cracked, and new tears escaped the corners of his eyes. He angrily brushed them with the heel of his hand. “I’m tired also, you know? For eight years we’ve fought non-stop, and the goa’uld are still a serious threat. I could use a rest myself. Maybe I could… I don’t know… go to Atlantis for some time. This way, you wouldn’t have to worry about me for a while.”

Jack’s heart skipped a beat at Daniel’s suggestion and moved closer to his lover. He took his hand and entwined their fingers. “Danny, no, I'm not ready for this either, please, don’t ask me that.”

“But Jack…” 

“No, Daniel,” the older man interrupted him. “I know, I know, I'm a selfish bastard. God knows you deserve to go to Atlantis, but I just can’t let you go, not yet. It’s barely a year since you came back to me. I know what to live without you is like. I don’t want to go through that again. Not if I have something to say in the matter. I’m not that strong.”

They stared at each other intently. Jack brushed his lover’s new tears with his thumb. He had lost count of how many times he had done that during the last eight years. Daniel was a gentle soul, and every time he was involved in the loss of human or alien lives, a piece of his soul died with them. He was right. He deserved a break, and Atlantis would be the perfect gift. But he wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

“It wouldn’t be permanent, just for some time.” Daniel didn’t like the idea of being far from his lover either, but Jack was a crucial piece to keep Earth safe, and if their relationship was compromising him… “I’ll never leave you, Jack, not even for Atlantis.” Daniel cradled his lover’s short grey strands and smiled at him tenderly. “ The only way for me to stay there permanently would be if you came with me, but it’s not the time for that.”

“Say it and I’ll retire right away,” Jack stated firmly.

“You can’t do this Jack, not yet,” Daniel smiled emphatically. “The Goa’uld are still out there, not to mention the replicators. Even with your weaknesses, you’re the best man for the job. Your expertise is irreplaceable.”

“So it’s yours,” Jack pressed his forehead against Daniel’s. “ Beyond my selfish reasons, the SGC needs you here.”

“Then we both stay. The SGC needs you too. We both have a responsibility. Let’s see how things go in the next few months, ok?” Daniel suggested softly.

“Ok. Ok. It’s just… I can’t stand the idea of losing you again.” Jack gave Daniel’s lips a butterfly kiss.

“You won’t. I’m not going anywhere. At least not willingly. I promise.” The younger man returned the kiss, a bit deeper this time.

“Just a few months more, ok?”

“Just a few months, and then we’ll see,” Daniel agreed.

They embraced tightly, and their lips met in a long and passionate kiss.

“You know,” Jack said after the need of air broke the kiss, “ten years ago, I would have blown up that ship without hesitation. What I mean is that I’ve changed, and I have to confess I like this Jack O’Neill better.”

“That makes two of us,” Daniel smiled.

“You changed me, Daniel. You put a heart where there was only a dark hole. I love you more than anything. Never, never doubt that. Forever.”

“I love you too. Forever. And I’ll never leave you, Jack. I promise.”

**_The end, for now_ **


End file.
